Fears of a Father #parenting #abortion #pregnancy

As gently as possible, Tyson slid his arm from under Belle and rolled off the bed to the carpet. Peeking up and over the edge at the thump his knees made as they hit the floor. Belle was still asleep. Snore soft, hand resting on the lump which was their child. Even in her sleep, she comforted it.

He belly crawled into the bathroom. Refusing to stand or turn on the light until the door was shut. Turning to the toilet he stopped, bothered by the soft pink light illuminating the nursery and tipped to close the connecting door, only to be drawn inside.

 It was a beautiful room. The kind designed to bring out the parental instinct. The urge to cuddle and protect. Yet,  it made him afraid. Everything within him trembled.

The big man, the one able to console and help his wife laugh at her fears, was actually petrified at the thought of a defenseless infant. In all of his thirty-five years, he’d never been more terrorized-at least not as much as he was now.

The thought of being a father was nothing when compared to the thought of being a father of a child that might not survive into birth. He may have fooled Belle into believing he had faith in a positive outcome, but the truth was, doubts pounded him. Beat him into the wimpy kid who always ran to his older sisters for solace and words of bravado. Chased him to the home of Cornelia, where he believed, sharing his fears would get him sympathy.  The betrayal floored him.

He’d wanted someone to pull him close and say, It will be all right. You have no need to worry, it won’t happen to your baby. Not your child.

He wanted to hear agreement in the fact, his wife had made the best decision for the love of her child. That if she had no choice but to do it again, he would be the man strong enough to stand by her and love her through it.

He wanted to get a consoling pat on the back and be told even his small doubts in the decision was ridiculous, it would all be for the best. The denial of comfort , slayed him.

He wanted to be the one who teared up in joy at the tiny items purchased in anticipation of his child. Instead, he teared up at the thought of the things not being used. The mountain of brand new baby paraphernalia remained stacked on the dressing table and packed in the bags in the corner of the room.

Tyson fingered the newly purchased blanket sitting in the middle of the crib. A pile of soft pale blue and mint green thickness. He pulled it to his face and sobbed huge, silent crocodile tears into the fabric. Fear had a hold on his heart. He was back to being the eight year old little boy, standing in the doorway of his mother’s room, eaves dropping on a conversation that nearly tore his world apart. Then, he was pulled into the loving arms of his family. Allowed to grieve and receive comfort. But that wasn’t the man he was now.

Here he stood, the man of the house, the comforter, the one who wiped the tears, not the one to be allowed to cry into a ball of material.

The arms,  silently slipped around his waist turned him around, held him close, and rubbed his back. Tyson gladly pulled her close. Resting his cheek on the top of her head, their child, nestled in the embrace, thumping between them.

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Why Write Companion Novels? Not a series, but mates. Ribbons & Bell and Ismet's Honor Coming June 2016 #romance #reallifehappens #abortion #infertility

After a beta reader told me her feelings on Ribbons and Belle, she expressed the need to know more about the character, Sunny Verde. From that, Ismet's Honor was written. I wanted to explore the feelings of loss and abortion from a male's perspective.

 Ribbons & Belle/Ismet's Honor: 2 novels. Loving the people, they're tossing my emotions like free play at an amusement park.‪#‎amwriting‬ ‪#‎feelingsareexposed‬ ‪#‎reallifehappens‬ ‪#‎infertility‬ ‪#‎abortion‬
Coming: June 2016 Check out the excerpts below.

Gorgeous, dedicated fertility counselor Tyson Ribbons, has admired and loved embryologist, Anabelle “Belle” Lee for along time. When she comes in for counseling he fights everything within him not to deter her from her plans.
Doesn’t stop his heart from wishing it could be him fulfilling her desire.

BLURB:Ribbons & Belle
Anabelle Lee, mourning her inability to have a child of her own-suffered through two miscarriages, a heartbreaking late-term abortion, and a soul crushing divorce. As an embryologist, she has protected the potential life of many frozen specimens, and lived envious of the women choosing In Vitro fertilization as their form of reproduction.
After a bit of encouragement from her best friend, and counseling from the very perfect Dr. Ribbons, Anabelle takes steps to fulfill her desire to become a mother.
Problem is, the announcement brings more of a shock than a gift.

EXCERPT: Ribbon & Belle
“So, go on. Let’s get to the part of your past that has you so upset. Tell me what happened in your life that could possibly make me dislike you?”
“Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“Only because I know talking about it would be a way to help you. Are you sure you want to sit there?" He pointed at the chair. "I can’t cuddle you if you get upset.”
“Yes,” she burned at the memory of the last time he cuddled after she became upset. “I’ll be fine. From here, I can look into your eyes.” And see when the tide turns in your beautiful blue orbs.
“Well, if you sat close to me, on the couch, you could...okay, okay.” Tyson raised his hands in surrender at the quirk of her lip. “I’m sorry. I just want to make you feel comfortable. To take away those wrinkles between your brows. ”
“I know.” She ran her fingers through her hair. The bright red strands became trapped between and around the wings of the ornate butterfly ring she wore. The same way sorrow and memories clung to her heart. With a flick of the wrist, she threw them off. Her gaze moving to the clock on the wall. It was already eleven o’clock and she lived forty-five minutes away. *God, will I be able to drive that long after talking about Fawn?* The soft sound of her breath, like the release of pressure from a balloon, opened the door to the heartbreaking memories and the words escaped, slowly. “I took Wednesday off from work last week. Not because of the flimsy excuse I gave the girls of needing my nails done, but because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle the day. Just the anticipation of having to watch or listen to couples a they celebrated the newly acquired news of the imminent arrival of their child, hurt. The way the women almost always burst into tears of joy. The husband, inevitably runs overs, yanks a few tissues from the purposely placed box at the station, rambles the reasons for the tears and goes back for more wet laughter and ginger hugs until the elevator opens and shuts them in to follow their rainbow.
Last Wednesday would've been Fawn’s second birthday” She paused when his hands reached out and wrapped around hers. The warmth, a solace as they rested on her lap. For a moment, she watched herself in his his eyes. Floating in the compassion and sympathy reflected. The tap on her hand, encouraging, she resumed. “Fawn was a beautiful baby. They gave her to me- wrapped in the soft hand crocheted blanket I’d made for her. She was wearing the first dressed I purchased when they told me I was having a daughter. Pale pink with a cocoon and a string of tiny butterflies on the collar. The design traveled down the neck of the dress to to end with a large butterfly applique on her tummy. It said, “I evolved just for you,” and I cried when I saw her in it. All alone and guilty. Guilty because I was the cause of her death.”

BLURB: Ismet’s Honor
Sunny Verdi has always wanted the “good-life.” Husband, home, lot’s of children. After cheering on her best friend and fellow embryologist Belle, through her successful quest for her dream, she wanted those things even more.
Unfortunately, Sunny broke the heart of her fantasy years earlier and it would take m9re than wishful thinking to get him back.
At 17, unable to voice his opinion against an unwanted abortion, Ismet Honorable O’Neal ran from the girl who killed his dream of the perfect life and the white picket fence.
Now he spends him time aiding other men in being the voice in the lives of their children.
Years later, he returns and Sunny is waiting.
She’s going to need more than the love in her eyes to repair the fences.

EXCERPT: Ismet's Honor
“You really gonna let her make you do this? You gonna let her kill our baby?”
“I don’t have a choice. She’s my momma. I’ve only been sixteen two weeks and here I am pregnant with a baby. Met, what can I do with a baby? How can I finish school? Go to college? I can’t be a mom, right now.”
“I thought you loved me. Wanted our baby.”
“I do.”
He felt her put her hands on his shoulder, he shook it off. The contact seeming to burn him with desire and freeze his heart at the same time. This is the person who in one night soared him to the sky with the announcement she was pregnant and then casually tossed him to the pits of hell with the plans for an abortion. She sat in silence as he opened the door of the car and went to sit on its hood. With every step, he wanted to fall apart. There was nothing he could do. Nothing or no one able to help him. It wasn’t possible to make her carry the baby and then give it to him. Sunny was right, they couldn’t go above her mother’s demands.

With a small turn of his head, he glanced in her direction. There she sat, stone-face in the car. He wondered if she even cared. If the whispers of love she’s mouthed for years was just the fantasy of a teenage girl in her first relationship. Did she even care for him? From the corner of his eyes he watched her staring, as if she were unable to move and join him.

The hurt he was feeling, there was no way Sunny felt anywhere near as helpless and devastated as he was feeling. She had the upper hand. It was her body, her child- until it was dead. The finality, took the last bit of strength from his body and he fell across the hood of the car, crying loudly in despair. The deep sobs tearing his heart apart. The thud of the metal hitting metal roused him from is misery. A simple hug would’ve meant a lot. A word of comfort or remorse would’ve balmed his spirit.
 Instead, he watched her shoulder her purse and without a glance in his direction, she strolled up the walk to her mother’s house. The taps of her heels as they walked the sidewalk to the front door, the closing snap, an end to his wishful dreams. All sounds that echoed in his nightmares for years. They were the symphony of the end of his life and the catalyst to many changes.

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Your Decision, Be Damned #latetermabortion #friendships #romance

Belle put down her can and turned to Sunny. In a slow matter of fact, tone, she began her story about the death of Fawn. With Sunny, as she’d been with Tyson, Belle wanted to eliminate some of the facts, tried not to trip over her emotions and be as upset as she’d been when telling Tyson, but failed horribly. Tears rolled down her face and she could barely control her guttural cries until the strained, soft voice of Sunny’s response broke through her misery. Where she’d expected comfort and a shared remorse, she was stunned by an unexpected accusation.

“So, what you’re really saying is, you killed her.”

Jumping up, she followed Sunny into the house, watching in shock as her friend gathered her belongings and slipped her feet into her shoes in preparation to leave. For a moment every thought in her mind disappeared. The break in her heart so real, she physically felt the pain. Hearing the words she’d ever thought about herself broadcast to the heavens from the mouth of her best friend, stunned her. They were wrong. Harsh. A sentence she didn’t deserve. Words that had no business being planted in her spirit, let alone her soul. She had not killed her child and she wouldn’t accept that condemnation from anyone. Not even from herself.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m asking for you to understand. I’m saying that I didn’t have a choice. She would’ve died, anyway. After living the most horrible short life in extreme pain. I’m saying, I let her go. In peace.”

“No. You treated her worse than you ever treated one of your pets. You euthanized your child and now you’re trying to pass it off like... like a case of mercy killing.”

“Oh my God, Sunny. I can’t believe you, you of all people, are saying this to me.You, who I have for the past twenty years thought of as a sister, stands in front of me and calls me a murderer. You may as well be saying I never wanted the baby. Any of them.”

“Well, did you? Did you really? How can I believe anything else. Were all of the miscarriages, real? Or something you planned, too?"

Belle stood for a minute, hand clutching the material above her breast. At that very moment, every abuse she’d had as a child, every heartache as woman, every despair as a mother, had never felt as horrible and she lashed out.

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Sunny. This is why I never told you. You of all people, I knew wouldn’t be able to handle my decision,but I at least thought you would stand with the result of it.”

“Well, that’s an option it’s a little late to even think about. You never let me in. You never told me anything. You never gave me a choice to voice my thoughts.”

“Because I knew you would say exactly what you just spewed at me. You hate and can not tolerate the idea of abortion. You can’t and you won’t even try to see a viable reason a woman would put herself through a horrible experience, like that. And it was they most horrific, soul destroying, last thing I would have ever chosen to go through. I had no choice.” Belle moved to stand face to face with Sunny, who in denial and obvious anguish, turned her body and stepped away whenever Belle got close. Refusing to make eye contact.

“Sunny, I literally had less than two days to decide to end Fawn’s life or bring her into the world in extreme pain. I didn’t want to spend that time fighting with you about the evils of abortion. And believe me. I understand why you hate abortions. I’ve had the hardest time forgiving your parents for making you go through yours as a teen. I know how much you wanted that baby. You know, I know. But I needed to concentrate on the health, no the death of my child. Even her father didn’t want to be involved. You think I could have handled the arguments with you? Do you honestly believe we would have remained friends if I had tried to tell you, then? I needed the comfort you gave me with the amount of truth you did know.”

“I could’ve tried to understand what you were going through, Belle. Studied up on everything. Been with you and held your hand. I could’ve been there so you wouldn’t be alone.”

“And I would’ve used all of my energy wondering if you were hating me. If you were blaming me. I didn’t have the strength within me to take that chance. My entire system was in a state of shock. All of the hope I’d had for Fawn was gone in one instant.”

“And yet, you kept it from me for three years. Her birthday was a few weeks ago. Instead of us sitting and talking about her, you took the day off work. You shut off your phone and you shut me out.”

“Sunny, please don’t leave like this. I wasn’t trying to shut you out.” Belle rushed down the hallway after Sunny. Heartbroken that her friend was not understanding where she was coming from, yet totally understanding the need she felt to get away. “I was trying to close the door on the pain. Trying to get a grip on the past so I could move on to the future.”

“You know what, Belle. I understand where you’re coming from. I get it. I just need to think. I need to adjust to the... to the death of Fawn. It feels like a totally different thing to me and I need some time. I’ll call you.”

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