Belle put down her can and turned to Sunny. In a slow matter of fact, tone, she began her story about the death of Fawn. With Sunny, as she’d been with Tyson, Belle wanted to eliminate some of the facts, tried not to trip over her emotions and be as upset as she’d been when telling Tyson, but failed horribly. Tears rolled down her face and she could barely control her guttural cries until the strained, soft voice of Sunny’s response broke through her misery. Where she’d expected comfort and a shared remorse, she was stunned by an unexpected accusation.
“So, what you’re really saying is, you killed her.”
Jumping up, she followed Sunny into the house, watching in shock as her friend gathered her belongings and slipped her feet into her shoes in preparation to leave. For a moment every thought in her mind disappeared. The break in her heart so real, she physically felt the pain. Hearing the words she’d ever thought about herself broadcast to the heavens from the mouth of her best friend, stunned her. They were wrong. Harsh. A sentence she didn’t deserve. Words that had no business being planted in her spirit, let alone her soul. She had not killed her child and she wouldn’t accept that condemnation from anyone. Not even from herself.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m asking for you to understand. I’m saying that I didn’t have a choice. She would’ve died, anyway. After living the most horrible short life in extreme pain. I’m saying, I let her go. In peace.”
“No. You treated her worse than you ever treated one of your pets. You euthanized your child and now you’re trying to pass it off like... like a case of mercy killing.”
“Oh my God, Sunny. I can’t believe you, you of all people, are saying this to me.You, who I have for the past twenty years thought of as a sister, stands in front of me and calls me a murderer. You may as well be saying I never wanted the baby. Any of them.”
“Well, did you? Did you really? How can I believe anything else. Were all of the miscarriages, real? Or something you planned, too?"
Belle stood for a minute, hand clutching the material above her breast. At that very moment, every abuse she’d had as a child, every heartache as woman, every despair as a mother, had never felt as horrible and she lashed out.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Sunny. This is why I never told you. You of all people, I knew wouldn’t be able to handle my decision,but I at least thought you would stand with the result of it.”
“Well, that’s an option it’s a little late to even think about. You never let me in. You never told me anything. You never gave me a choice to voice my thoughts.”
“Because I knew you would say exactly what you just spewed at me. You hate and can not tolerate the idea of abortion. You can’t and you won’t even try to see a viable reason a woman would put herself through a horrible experience, like that. And it was they most horrific, soul destroying, last thing I would have ever chosen to go through. I had no choice.” Belle moved to stand face to face with Sunny, who in denial and obvious anguish, turned her body and stepped away whenever Belle got close. Refusing to make eye contact.
“Sunny, I literally had less than two days to decide to end Fawn’s life or bring her into the world in extreme pain. I didn’t want to spend that time fighting with you about the evils of abortion. And believe me. I understand why you hate abortions. I’ve had the hardest time forgiving your parents for making you go through yours as a teen. I know how much you wanted that baby. You know, I know. But I needed to concentrate on the health, no the death of my child. Even her father didn’t want to be involved. You think I could have handled the arguments with you? Do you honestly believe we would have remained friends if I had tried to tell you, then? I needed the comfort you gave me with the amount of truth you did know.”
“I could’ve tried to understand what you were going through, Belle. Studied up on everything. Been with you and held your hand. I could’ve been there so you wouldn’t be alone.”
“And I would’ve used all of my energy wondering if you were hating me. If you were blaming me. I didn’t have the strength within me to take that chance. My entire system was in a state of shock. All of the hope I’d had for Fawn was gone in one instant.”
“And yet, you kept it from me for three years. Her birthday was a few weeks ago. Instead of us sitting and talking about her, you took the day off work. You shut off your phone and you shut me out.”
“Sunny, please don’t leave like this. I wasn’t trying to shut you out.” Belle rushed down the hallway after Sunny. Heartbroken that her friend was not understanding where she was coming from, yet totally understanding the need she felt to get away. “I was trying to close the door on the pain. Trying to get a grip on the past so I could move on to the future.”
“You know what, Belle. I understand where you’re coming from. I get it. I just need to think. I need to adjust to the... to the death of Fawn. It feels like a totally different thing to me and I need some time. I’ll call you.”
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