When Life's Challenges Are Hard to Run From

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Saying Good-bye, Comes Hard. Ribbons & Belle #IVF #Infertility #eningwantedpregnancies

"I was eight months pregnant. The farthest I’d ever gone. And once the debilitating morning sickness was over I was able to deal with every other little physical thing that popped up. The baby, my god was she growing beautifully and so active. A constant mound of kicking, twisting energy-practically non-stopping.” Her hand unconsciously rubbing her flat stomach, was covered by Tyson’s and she smiled. “And then I went in for an ultra sound- everything changed. It showed problems and I was sent for a level 2 ultrasound.”
“Level two? What is that?”
“In my mind, it’s a death tomb. I never want to hear the phrase again. In actuality, its a more extensive kind of ultra sound and a specialist has to read it. Turns out, all of the overactive movements were a sign of a disease. Poor Fawn had two severe brain malformations. At first I was told about the Dandy Walker syndrome. How it could be severe, but Fawn had a possibility of surviving through it. Children do live good lives with the disease. So, I turned my mind from having a cute little girl to run around with, to having a cute little girl with possible challenges. I prepared myself mentally and was ready.”
“That’s a good way to face life, Belle. If she had survived, I know you would have helped her through anything.”
“Without a doubt. The doctor is the best ever. I would use her again if I ever have to face such a horror. She took no chances with my life or Fawn’s. But to know the extent of the syndrome, I was scheduled to have an MRI three days later. Three days of the beginning of the worst time in my life. I’ve told no one else about this. I went through it all alone, the MRI, the diagnosis of the second brain malformation, and the final decision to have an abortion. I kept it all to myself.
Everything was arranged and executed quickly. There is still an age cut off point for abortions. I worried about someone finding out, the legality, of being accused of murder, being in the media. All a possibility because there aren’t many doctors who would perform such a thing at that late stage in a pregnancy. In order to avoid any sensationalism, I told no one. Never have.”

“What about your husband? Didn’t you tell him? Didn’t you let him know his child would not survive?”
Belle studied Tyson’s face before answering. The removal of his hand from hers, the slight movement away, felt like he had crossed the room. In her heart she knew if she said more, it would end whatever could grow between them, right on the spot. But she continued, better to get it over with.
“Honestly, I didn’t. I told you I called him after the first sonogram. He didn’t return that night. Didn’t bother to come around, but he did send a stupid text. A few lines of how he couldn’t deal with all of the drama and failures in all aspects of our marriage. He couldn’t deal with it anymore – as if any of it had been a party for me.” Belle looked up. The cool blue of his eyes dousing the remnants of the remembered anger she’d held for her ex-husband. “None of this was easy. I had to face facts, my baby was dying before she could be born. Fawn had what amounted to holes in her brain and the area that connected the two sides of her brain hadn’t grown. I’d hoped, after reading on the Dandy-Walker disease, that a miracle would happen and Fawn would be fine or at least as fine as a person with a disability could be, but with the second issue... There would be too much damage and pain. More pain than I was willing to put her through. She would probably not be able to talk, walk, hold her head up, or live without constant seizures. And that would be if she survived being born.
In my heart I knew I couldn’t let my baby live like that. Her being in pain all of her life was the decision maker for me. As a mommy, I had to let her go. I cried through everything. The counseling, the procedure- the shot which would eventually end her life, the conscious physical loss when her constant movements stopped and then the induced birth.
So, yes, I killed her.” 
Belle tried to gloss over the last bit, removing her hands from his and pushing them into the chair to aid her in standing. She needed to get away. To be alone. To work through the wave of guilt, and crippling despair the memories always tried to smother her with, but she couldn’t. 
 One minute she was in a rush to get out of his house and into her car and the next, she found herself with her arms around Tyson's neck and her butt resting on his lap.
Tyson let her cry. 
In the story, Anabelle wanted this baby more than anything. It tore her apart to let her go. I know there are a lot of people who believe this would be a wrong decision to make, what would it take for your to go beyond your inert beliefs?

Please, if you are going through any grief from the lose of your child visit, Saying Goodbye in the U.K.  The Saying Goodbye Services are the first national set of remembrance services for people who have lost a child at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, whether the loss be recent or 80-years ago.

For parents going through a devastating experience such as Belle’s visit Ending A Wanted Pregnancy
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